Drop the Rope
I’ve got something earth shattering to share:
I like to be liked.
I’ll give you a minute to clean up your spilled iced coffees.
...waiting…
Ok, so now that the shock has worn off and you've composed yourself - I’ll break it down for you. I want for people to think I’m a nice, kind and a good person, and for most of my life I would tie myself up into knots in order to accomplish that goal. I would over commit to plans, I’d take on other people's responsibilities at work, I would spend time with people that I didn’t think were that awesome - all in the spirit of being a “nice” person, a “good” person. I worked so incredibly hard to make myself likeable, that I’d look at the knotted up person I’d become and realize I didn’t like her very much.
I found myself in this exact situation in the last few years. I met someone who was loved by people that I loved, so I thought: “PERFECT! We’ll fall in love and then everyone will love each other and it will be the BEST!”
Then, I did what comes naturally to me, I was kind, thoughtful, tried to make good jokes, responded quickly to text messages, offered to help whenever it seemed like they needed a hand, and...nothing. This person either ignored me, or was outright rude to me.
Undeterred, I upped my game. I tried the hardest I’d ever tried in my life to make them like me. Exhausting myself by creating hoops, and jumping through them. When that didn’t work, I then lit those same hoops on fire, going back through said hoops, staring hopefully at the person I hoped would finally like and me still: they gave me nothing.
As I removed my cinged cape and looked back at the smoking embers of the hoops I’d risked my life to go through, I had a realization:
There are two ways to end a game of Tug-o-War
To pull harder and longer than the other person, and exhaust yourself and the other person with your efforts until they have to let go or fall forward.
To drop.the.fucking.rope.
I had tried to pull as hard as I could, and all I had to show for it was total exhaustion, a person who still didn’t like me - and a deep sadness that I had changed myself to try to make someone else like me.
It was then that I dropped the rope. I accepted that no matter what I did, I would never be someone this person wanted to be around. I thought that this acceptance would bruise the little Like-Me Monster that had been living in my chest for most of my life, but instead it felt awesome!
I felt a lightness, a total relief that I didn't have to put in the work of trying to be this person's friend. It felt so good that I started to reassess all of the relationships I had started because I had this hunger to be liked. What if I dropped the rope in those friendships too? What would my life look like?
Update: Without these one sided friendships, my life looks amazing!
Here are three ways to assess if you have relationships where you need to Drop the Rope:
After you spend time with them you feel exhausted instead of nourished
The amount that you give in the relationship is deeply one sided (i’m not talking 60/40, I’m talking 80/20)
You don’t feel like yourself with them. Instead you feel like a version of yourself that you don’t like or recognize.
If any of these things seem to be true in your relationships, do an experiment for 2 weeks where you stop trying so damn hard. You don’t need to say anything, you don’t need to tell them you’re just doing less. Then observe what happens to you, to the relationship with this person, and your relationship with yourself. In the interim, put some Aloe Vera on those palms (it’’ll help with the rope burn) give yourself a big hug, and know that no matter what happens next, you’ve made a choice to put your needs above being liked, and that my darling, is always a win!